


The Magician

by notlena



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: F/F, Misato POV, Pining, episode 15
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-11
Updated: 2017-04-11
Packaged: 2018-10-17 15:16:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10596687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notlena/pseuds/notlena
Summary: If it weren’t for her, all of Dr Akagi’s genius and the resources granted from the higher-ups would go to waste.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Set during episodes 13-15, just before Misato and Ritsuko's friendship starts dissolving. I'm endlessly fascinated with their dynamic and I hope to write a second piece following these two amazing women through the second half of the original series. Enjoy!

To her credit, even though the Second Impact and her father’s legacy are the only driving forces in her life, Misato does a damn good job in the military. She’s a quick thinker and a born strategist, and her job allows her to latch onto a purpose. If it weren’t for her, all of Dr Akagi’s genius and the resources granted from the higher-ups would go to waste.

 

Yes, Misato is pleased with how things have turned out in her life. Everything is an extension of her work. Shinji was very hurt to hear that taking care of him is part of her job, but she didn’t mean it _like that_. Being _alive_ is part of her job, else she wouldn’t do it, right? However, the recent promotion to Major feels hollow. Meaningless, for once. She only did what she always does.

 

Dr Akagi, for example, outdoes herself nearly every day and there aren’t any promotions for her, are there? Misato is mystified by the woman’s tireless perfection. Misato almost lost her train of thought when Shinji’s friends (she’ll call them friends; they earned the title even if Shinji might disagree) compared her to Ritsuko. They were at sea, recovering Eva Unit 02, and Misato was as clear and left as little room for disagreement as possible with the foreign officers. And she almost blanked out when the children commented that her authority reminds them of Ritsuko.

 

How come that she, a woman with a military rank and be-all-end-all authority over her pilots, pales in comparison to a skinny, spectacled PhD? Misato would be offended but she knows Ritsuko. It’s very hard, even after all these years of knowing her, to imagine Dr Ritsuko Akagi out of control.

 

Well, now is as good a time as ever.

 

When the Angel has infiltrated Nerv and hacked their system, Misato wasn’t there to witness Ritsuko’s initial reaction, but she imagines it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. She can only recall how hot she was inside the elevator, with Kaji, that damn fool, poking and prodding at her. Every minute she prayed that Ritsuko was on it, and working fast, because the heat building up without A/C was making her blood boil in all kinds of strange ways. Which she decided had nothing to do with Kaji. Not at all. If only Ritsuko would work faster, damn it!

 

Back to the present scene, the Angel is hard at work destroying their data. The elevator fiasco long forgotten, Misato has nothing to do among the guts of the mainframe but ponder Dr Akagi, currently flat on her back under the cables with only her long, long legs in sight. She is working as dexterously as ever but Misato can feel a shakiness in her voice, in the way she was barking orders even as she was surrounded by her dead mother’s handwriting. All over the walls, in the claustrophobic space they both crawled in, tiny, curt annotations on white squares of paper. Ritsuko is under pressure like she’s never been before, Misato thinks. The work of her entire life (and as Misato recently found out, her mother’s before her as well) is about to get annihilated. Good thing Ritsuko is so proficient at keeping herself under wraps. A full-blown existential crisis wouldn’t do anyone any good right now.

 

Misato thinks with a bittersweet satisfaction that Dr Akagi is not as oh-so-perfect as she initially thought. Her Head Scientist, suddenly not the creator of this technology, but a mere developer, following the footsteps of a woman of genius who, for once, isn’t herself. As it turns out, not even Dr Akagi can move mountains on her own. All along, she’s been dedicating her life to her mother’s work. 

 

Misato is distracted by something making a squishy sound from where Ritsuko is working, elbow deep in the Magi supercomputer. Something that is definitely not a cable. She can’t see what Ritsuko is doing and suddenly really doesn’t want to. She hands over the equipment she’s asked for and returns to a strained silence. Ritsuko ignores all her attempts at humorous talk, concentrated on her handiwork.

 

Ritsuko’s legs are very long, clad in those dark tights, and strangely still. Like a dead body buried under debris. Misato blinks forcefully, chasing the analogy away. Nothing’s going to happen to them. In a few seconds, Ritsuko is going to save them all.

 

She does.

 

Afterwards, she’s shaken like Misato’s never seen her. Shaken is a bit of a strong word for someone whose demonstrated emotional spectrum is quite narrow, but nonetheless, she’s never seen Ritsuko like this. Misato brings two cups of coffee while she sits and complains about the all-nighter making her tired. Misato can clearly see through the half-excuse. She expected as much from her titan of a scientist, from this woman who’s been pushed to the limits more than ever and who hasn’t even broken a sweat. What she doesn’t expect is Ritsuko’s next words, which make her heart leap.

 

While Ritsuko opens up that tiny bit about herself and her mother, Misato’s brain races. She can’t believe that _Ritsuko_ , enigmatic, tough Ritsuko, is trusting her enough to talk about her mother. About the lessons she learned from her. If Ritsuko’s mother was outstanding as a scientist and dreadful as a woman, the way her daughter says, them Misato can’t help but think that Ritsuko is an upgraded version. A near-perfect scientist and an amazing woman through and through. The conversation is brief after Misato jokingly points out how talkative Rits is all of a sudden. She mentally kicks herself the same moment. What is wrong with her? The last thing she wants is to scare her off.

 

Dr Akagi doesn’t become visibly closed off at the remark, no. She just reverts back to herself. In a split second, her pensive, vulnerable mood disappears.

 

Misato tries to play it cool, like she doesn’t care, when all she wants is to take Ritsuko to her home and keep her safe. Listen to all the things she’s thinking, all things inside her head. She notices the coffee mug remains untouched after Ritsuko sits up and takes her leave.

 

Nonetheless, like always, Misato’s tactical mind works where her emotions just won’t. She ends up counting the brief glimpse into her scientist’s psychology as a victory without precedent.

 

The hedgehog’s dilemma. Hm. Rits has always had a way with words, even for an intellectual.

 

***

 

Afterwards, being around Rits changes somehow for Misato. Standing by her side in the control room, their exchanges in the washroom, the way she’s starting to notice how many things Ritsuko knows about her, like it’s the most natural thing in the world, they’re all starting to become the most pleasant part of her day. When Ritsuko asks which dress she’s going to wear to the wedding and mentions the very tight orange one, Misato blushes instantly. The memory of showing up at a shower wearing the revealing, skin-tight garment hits, embarrassing her. All of the trouble of wearing the damn thing, only to be saved from the intent stares of the men present by Ritsuko and her warm, stylish blazer. They laughed about it back then. Now Misato is taken aback by how Ritsuko _remembers_ , by how she knows her wardrobe by heart.

 

Later, when she goes shopping for a new dress, she tries on dozens before settling on a dark blue, beautiful one, and tries not to imagine how well it would compliment Dr Akagi’s bleached-blonde hair and beautiful green eyes. When the fabric slips over her waist and hips, arranging tastefully, she wishes for a split second it were Ritsuko’s warm arms, snaking around her gently from behind, drawing her to Ritsuko’s chest.

 

_Why must you always be like this, Ritsuko? Why will you not let me share your burden?_

 

***

 

That evening at the wedding, Misato makes a point to arrive early and sit next to Ritsuko. It’s a very pleasant evening. Misato is cheerfully helping herself to the drinks on their table. After a few bottles of sake, unabashedly staring at Ritsuko becomes very difficult to avoid. It’s amazing, really. Ritsuko is going on about some kind of neurotransmitter-like properties in a substance she isolated from the Fifth Angel all those weeks ago that is just now starting to make promising progress (and really, Misato tries to follow but it’s only a side project and _boy_ is biochemistry hard). Right then, when Misato finally feels pleasantly drunk, Kaji shows up and sits right next to her. Misato sees him approaching and she’s trying to make her body language scream: don’t take a single step in this direction, I’m with Dr Akagi and I want to be left with her. She’s wholly turned towards her anyway, eyes stuck on her, legs crossed under the table pointing in her direction. Kaji is purposefully oblivious to Misato’s newfound fascination with her co-worker, it seems, for he helps himself to a seat anyway.

 

Ritsuko shuts up right away, without making a fuss. Misato almost wants to strangle her. Suddenly, having Ritsuko on her right and Kaji on her left becomes too much.

 

“I need to powder my nose.”

 

She excuses herself to go to the toilet, kicking herself mentally yet again when she feels Ritsuko stiffening at the obvious lie. Her nose doesn’t need any powdering. Anyone with eyes could see that but in her drunken haze, Misato doesn’t know what else to say. She needs to get out. 

 

In the toilet, she privately agonises over what Ritsuko must think of her now. Making a weak, typical excuse, just to leap out and check herself out in the bathroom mirror for the man she wants to fuck? Probably. Misato almost screams. Or quickly getting rid of her tights to facilitate hooking up with him in the very near future? Cleaning herself down there? Her blood boils at her own stupidity. No, she can’t let Ritsuko think she’s some kind of whore on top of being a drunk. It’s simply not true.

 

She doesn’t know very well why she ran to the bathroom in the first place but sure as hell, it wasn’t to get ready for Kaji-san.

 

She is determined to patch up this mistake when she goes back into the ballroom, but it’s too late. She sees with some kind of slow motion accuracy that only being drunk offers you how Ritsuko makes to leave, saying she has some work to tend to, the instant Misato comes back. Ever so polite, our dear scientist, Misato thinks grimly, as she watches her leave. She supposes being a third wheel is not pleasant but she’s enraged at Ritsuko, at how she waited for her to come back just to leave from under her nose. Another can of sake is opened. Horrible, horrible Ritsuko. How can she just leave her like this? Kaji rambles on something about how Ritsuko knows more than she lets on, something something Nerv, but Misato’s had enough.

 

She doesn’t need a father to scold her, to be a smart-ass about how her work and her _friends_ are not what they seem. Misato’s not stupid. She will not be lectured by Kaji a second more.

 

***

 

When she is walking home barefoot with him by her side, after yelling at him and making a spectacle out of herself and exposing all of her weaknesses, she thinks with a sudden clarity that, while supportive and loving in all respects, Kaji will never understand. Will never understand things like seeing your long-dead, negligent, absent, stone-cold father everywhere around you, in everything you do. She thought no one else would. Then she met Shinji.

 

Then she found out about Ritsuko.

 

Ritsuko would understand. Like no one else. What it’s like to live in your parent’s legacy, what’s it’s like when there is nothing else for you to do but to follow their steps, blindly, like a puppet.

 

If only Ritsuko cared about her like she cares about Ritsuko. If only they could share this burden together and be a little less alone. Sure, she’s always had Ritsuko around, but it’s never enough. The brief glimpse she caught of her vulnerability left her wanting more. Wanting Ritsuko’s calm, self-assured voice to shine some light onto their similar complexes. Wanting her warm, lithe body to embrace her and hold her close. Wanting to see her eerie perfection break just a little, so that Misato could help her pierce it back together.

 

She stumbles, Kaji catches her around the waist. Misato is thankful that it’s not controlled, balanced, incredible Dr Akagi helping her walk now. She was right to leave. She should never want someone as weak and pathetic by her side. Ritsuko is worthy of an equal. Of someone strong enough to help her carry her burden.

 

The walk is sobering her up more and more. She’s relieved that things are somehow settled with Kaji for now. They walk in uncharacteristic silence. They’re usually both so chatty, their wits competing fiercely. Not now. Now Misato thinks painfully of her lonely bed at home, of making Shinji and Asuka see her like this. She thinks of how humiliated she felt when Ritsuko left the wedding earlier, again, not exactly closed off… but back to herself, essentially. Her opaque, impenetrable self. 

 

When they near the apartment building, Kaji eyes her warily. “Katsuragi, do you remember what I said earlier, about Akagi?”

“Huh?”

“Do not trust her. She knows something we don’t. She’s got some aces up her sleeve, I think.”

“And how would you know that?”

“We don’t know her.”

“You don’t know her!”

Kaji sighs. “Well, clearly, neither do you. She’s hiding things from you, Major, and you have not the slightest clue that she does.”

“Do not dare speak her name!” Misato was seeing red. “Do not _dare speak_ her name like this! She is my head scientist and I am the Operations Major and I will not tolerate any outsider preaching to me about who I should or should not trust!”

“I am not an outsider.”

“As far as our daily efforts of keeping Tokyo-3 safe of threats, you are! I and this woman put all of our energy, all of our intellect on the line together every single day! You will not speak of Ritsuko – Dr Akagi like this in my presence with barely anything but circumstantial evidence and a throwaway line to support your claims.”

 

She pointedly ignores his tired, disapproving head shake.

 

For now, she would go to bed, and Ritsuko would be the single most perfect, honest and innocent person on the planet. The only one who can understand her and the only one who stuck by Misato’s side through the years for nothing in return.

 

Ritsuko and her clear eyes and white lab coat, her no-nonsense tone. Ritsuko who is never afraid to talk back when she feels that Misato is unhinged, reckless. Ritsuko who never shares her responsibilities and whose judgement spares no one. Misato is really starting to hate how she’s behaving around Ritsuko nowadays, which is like every man she’s ever known. She catches herself drinking from Dr Akagi’s coffee smugly without asking, stalking around her workspace unnecessarily, commenting on her prowess teasingly. She is delighted when Dr Akagi puts her back into her place assertively, when she objects her measures, when she challenges Misato to be the best Major she can be, while showing off her mental acuity, her reluctance to follow orders blindly. Ritsuko will not let herself be used as a tool, and Misato’s heart soars in her chest at her strength. At the attractive tilt of her jaw, too. At the speed with which her fingers fly over the keyboard, precise, capable.

 

Her heart lodges in her throat uncomfortably sometimes, too, when she watches Maya or what’s-her-face blush fiercely at Ritsuko’s praise. She cringes every time the girl calls Dr Akagi – _her_ Dr Akagi – Senpai, like some lovesick fool. Every time Maya stares at Rits’ form with wide eyed adoration. Ritsuko needs an equal to stand by her side, not some inferior employee hanging onto her every word. Misato is proud that Ritsuko chose her to assist her in the guts of the Magi and hand her the tools, and not Maya. That’s the way it should have been, her mother’s notes were classified and having unauthorised personnel even so much as look at them would have been irresponsible. Of course. Nothing personal. Ritsuko made the rational, obvious choice but Misato can’t help but thank her lucky stars. And if she shamefully peaked under Dr Akagi’s short skirt in the process, by complete accident, well. No one has to know.

 

For tonight, Misato collapses out of Kaji’s arms onto the mattress when they get back. She hears him leave, distantly, as if she were underwater, miles away, and hears Asuka yelling pathetically as he tries to avoid her and make a swift escape. For tonight, her thoughts linger on Ritsuko Akagi, on her pale face and green eyes, on how she must be lying in bed herself, sleeping soundly. Warm. Peaceful. Her hair brushing her forehead, her long limbs tucked around her blanket. Misato imagines she were there instead of the blanket while Ritsuko fitted around her perfectly, and she pushes all of the questions away as she goes unconscious with exhaustion.

 

No asking “Why does Ritsuko not open up to me? Why does she always withdraw so quickly, as if a bad feeling has overcome her?”. No asking “What if Kaji is right?”. Nothing.

 

For tonight, there is nothing but Ritsuko’s delicate face and her generous companionship in this entire world. Warming Misato on the inside, sending her to a calm, dreamless sleep.


End file.
